Before I proceed in what I imagine is going to be an emotional post (maybe just for me), I wanted to let you know that this was inspired by a bloggy friend of mine Rebecca and this amazing article she shared with me.
As much as I offer the facts on being a working mom, I rarely ever talk about my feelings on the subject. And the truth is that my feelings change almost daily if not minute by minute. Some are due to an article or a blog post that I’ll read by another mom, while others are based on what is going on in my day or my own head in that very moment.
The truth is that I’ve (mostly) made peace with being a working mom. I get a lot of pleasure by the work I accomplish during my day in the office and I (usually) love getting dressed each and every weekday morning in something other than my sweat pants even if it’s because I have to. I love my career and I love my job. I love the time I have to myself and the break (cringe) that I get from my family. All in all I think that it is the right choice for me.
And that’s what I keep telling myself when I read a post by a mom who spent the day coloring with her kids, went to Target in the middle of the work day, crafted during nap time, and had dinner on the table before her hubby came home. I tell myself that when I get a Facebook message from a friend who woke up at 9am because her toddler decided to get up early (I haven’t woken up after 7am since about 3 years ago). I tell myself that when I realize that I will never make any playgroup meetings because every last one of them is scheduled for 10am on Wednesday.
I tell myself that when I’m so stressed and overwhelmed at work that by the time I get home I can barely remember to take the keys out of the car ignition before heading inside, much less tackle a screaming toddler out of her car seat because she wants to play with the buckle, figure out and cook dinner in under 30 minutes that covers at least most of the growing toddler needs, let the dog go pee, (if I can remember) kiss the husband, entertain the toddler while simultaneously keeping her away from the boiling water on the stove top because the hubs has to go take out trash and fix a leaky something or another in the house, feed everyone dinner, clean up the kitchen post-dinner while the hubs gives our toddler a bath, and tackle said toddler into bed.
I remind myself how much I love being a working mom when Jon is out of town and I want to scream and beg for mercy by 8am because between taking a quick shower, letting the dog out, feeding the dog, waking up the tot, wrestling her into clothes, begging/pleading/threatening/arguing/making deals for her to eat something for breakfast, putting the dog in the crate for the day, wrestling everyone into their coats to head out the door and actually remembering to put on mascara and change out of my slippers, I consider it a win that I didn’t completely lose my cool or bawl my eyes out at drop off. Those days I am not sure if I would rather that we just stayed home altogether or if I can’t wait to drop her off and get into the office so I can get a cup of coffee and eat breakfast myself.
I do my best to remember how powerful and almighty it makes me feel to say that I’m a working mom when weekends are a constant internal battle between spending some actual quality time with my family and tackling the 5 million things that we can’t even begin to imagine doing on a weekday due to two full time jobs. I whisper to myself that I have it all because I get to hang out with this tiny little human being who adores me and calls me (and her two favorite daycare teachers…yes I cry at that one too) “mom” while holding a Director position at a growing company.
There is a constant guilt and pressure that I put on myself to be the best at work and at home and realizing that neither can be accomplished to the (insane) standard I’ve set for myself. I struggle rushing through the morning to be in the office early only to sit there and feel guilty for not spending those extra 10 minutes just playing with my girl instead of snapping at everyone to get their coats on already and get out the door. I stress over the last 15 minutes of the day, realizing just how much I still need to get done at the end of the day but won’t be able to because the hubs is traveling and I have to be at daycare by 5:15 to pick up P if I want any chance of making it home before dinnertime (my daycare is really really really close to home but it takes at least 20 minutes to encourage Peanut to actually leave). I take a beating from myself every time I get a phone call from daycare that Peanut has a fever and needs to be picked up – a part of me can’t believe I need to leave the office to take care of it and the other part of me can’t believe that I am even questioning not being there for my little tot.
But as in many things, there is a flip side to all this – the reason that I do choose to keep working (aside from the monetary etc needs). Like the days when I have a super successful meeting about a completion of a project that I initiated, led, and saw to its finality. Or when I get to run an errand during lunch completely child free, followed by a lunch date with my husband.
There are a ton of times when I read a post, not unlike Rebecca’s, that I am reminded that I would most likely never be able staying home with my kids. Just seeing a recap of her day brings me to a near-anxiety attack.
I long for a day at the office when it’s day 4 of being at home because of weather/cold/stomach bug and I’ve run out of things to do with the toddler. I question my own sanity when my entire day has revolve around conversations about poop, play-doh, and Nemo. I wonder if I will ever be able to look at a letter, number, or a color again without hearing a tiny little voice yell out “blooo, bloo, blooo! Mommy, blooooooo!” I cringe over and over again when she is frustrated by whatever I am doing wrong. I can’t help but roll my eyes at “noooooooooooooo mommy, noooooooooo.”
I love the fact that P has made amazing friends and has teachers that she truly loves at her daycare. As heart breaking as it is in some aspects to watch her call some of them “mama” it’s also heart warming that she loves them so much that she feels like she has another home there. And I know that I wouldn’t be able to be as patient and creative as they can be with a curriculum and all those activities they have planned on a daily basis. Peanut is tv-free the entire day, learning all sorts of things in a very happy, loving environment and that makes me happy.
And so I move forward. I put one foot in front of the other. I get dressed and head into the office every Monday. I make to-do lists that are long and outrageous for my weekends. But it’s what works for us. Although not without a side of guilt.
I will also be a working mother and this post was definitely needed as I finalize daycare plans.
*big hugs*
Good luck – nothing can prepare you for the mix of emotions that go along with it. My only advice is to remember that the grass is greener on the other side because someone else has to mow it.
It’s rare to find a blog written by a mom who works outside the home – which I why I love yours so much. Because it’s NOT about crafting during naptime and pictures from Target in the middle of the day. Because I share ALL the feelings your described above and I can relate to it all.
My $0.02 – working 3 days/week would be my ideal compromise. I’d get more time home w/ C while he’s little and still be able to accomplish a lot during the week at work. I can’t work part-time in my position, but I can dream!
Thanks for the honest post from a fellow New-England-ite!
Becky- I dream of a 3-day work week as well
Wow. This is AWESOME. I, too, have that side of guilt and it is horrible sometimes. I agree with the 3-day work week! That would be the perfect mix…if only my firm would go for that!
oh goodness, the guilt is just a mom thing, period I think. I stay at home and although I love it and am thankful to get to do it, I have my own constant guilt and questioning myself… is he getting enough socialization, am I giving him as much attention as I should, am I giving him too much attention, should I be contributing more financially to the household, do all my college friends with careers think I’m a loser for not working… etc. etc. etc.!
there are just challenges to raising kids no matter how you’re doing it.
you’re doing great.
ha! now I feel silly… just went and read the article you linked and it said what I did much more eloquently!
Don’t feel silly….I think it’s hard to know if the balance we choose is the right one…because, honestly, exactly what is the “right” balance?
I think everyone has strengths and weaknesses – we’re all not created equal and all can’t be expected to do the same thing. I probably couldn’t do your job and there are people who wouldn’t be able to do mine. I think mothering is the same – some people can stay home and some can work (and I’m sure plenty can do both) but I lean toward working. I would be home sobbing every day if I had to stay home seven days a week. Nate is an easy child, for sure, but all the stuff would just bore me to tears. (Do I say I don’t like playing a lot of the time? Do we even ever say that?) I do feel pangs of guilt when Nate doesn’t want to leave the house in the morning, but I’m a better mom for working. I know I need the time and the activity and drive that goes with it. I wouldn’t be me without it. (I couldn’t afford to not work either, but that’s a whole other topic.) We just have to know ourselves and not apologize for what we think is right for us.
That is SO well said! Yes yes yes and yes! Doesn’t make the balance less difficult, at least for me. I’ve made peace with the working mom decision, but I do wonder from time to time if I’m balancing it the best I can.
I like nurses schedules, 3 daysx 12 hours a day. That would be my ideal schedule if I could have it my way. I admire how you have everything together. Your place is always clean, you always post pics of delicious meals, you’re so organized that you can blog, and just in general, you seem to have it together. I was a huge mess while I was working at my last job. I switched fields, took a 60% pay cut for a job thats nearby, and took some months off to get my life in check. Working mom was a hard adjustment for me, and I think it was important for me to realize, while its nice to get paid a ton, it’s better to relax and keep up with everything. Now that I am caught up, I enjoy working guilt free
ideally, I’d prefer to stay home the first 18 months and then find a job at that time….but yea, that’s never gonna fly lol.
Oh Heather you are too sweet…trust me, I don’t have it all together….I’m always worrying about…well…everything.
There will never truly be a balance.
In the meantime, I relish in the fact that while I am at work, I can pee alone!
HAHAHAHAH before kids, did you ever think that would be a privileged?
Oh Kat… this is one of the reasons I wish we lived in the same city. I want to just get our kiddos together, sit on a couch with a nice cup of coffee, and have a big cry about this with you. My ultimate solution is a clone machine – wouldn’t it be great if we could just do both?!
I’ve been back at work for two months and every day is a teeter totter – I don’t even want to think of the number times I’ve been pumping in tears wondering what on earth I’m doing sitting in a little room by myself while my son is hanging out with near-strangers. Oh the guilt, guilt, guilt… especially on the days I pick my son up on a day the daycare teachers haven’t been able to get him to nap at all (even though he naps great at home), or after he’s picked up his third cold in a row…
Thank you for your honesty. And for posting all the “facts” of your life, too – it’s great to know how you make it work (I’ve been re-reading a lot of your old posts from when Peanut was C’s age). But it’s great to know I’m not alone in feeling so torn, as well. We are all in this together!
Laura- the only thing I can tell you is that for me it did get easier as she got older and we all got used to the “new” us. That doesn’t make me question things daily. By the way…the pumping…that’s a physical and an emotion toll in itself. no words except you are a strong strong strong person for doing it.
Well I think youre doing a great job at home and at work!
that’s because you’re my best friend and that’s what best friends think
I used to have major working mom guilt especially when Aubrey was only 3-4 months old. Now, I need my adult time. Time to get away, interact with other adults and work on furthering my career. Since giving birth, I have given up a lot of myself for my daughter and working is one thing that I have been able to keep not only for monetary reasons but so that I still have a sense of myself.
I love this post and your honesty. It is always so interesting reading the opposite perspective. I think we all have glorified Perspectives of what the “other type of mom” does so it’s nice when one is written so honestly like this. I enjoy reading your blog because your life is So different Than mine but In the same breath, the same. Because we are both moms that just want the best for our babies. You’re doing a great job!
I feel the same things everyday! Like, how I really need to be working right now but am choosing to read blogs instead. My day will be more hectic tomorrow but atleast I had a few minutes to relax tonight!
I think I never let my mind wander to the SAHM mode because I knew it was never an option. I worked hard for my education and CPA and am happy I get to use those skills building my career.
I feel guilty when I even question “would I stay home if…”, like if my hubby started making big bucks, etc.
Part of why I question it is seeing how much B loves daycare and it has been great for him!
The list goes on and on….
This past year the hubby and I have decided that this will be my last year teaching…We have a 2 year old and a 3 and we hope to have another baby sometime soon. I have mixed emotions….one minute I tell myself, I don’t care about having more money or buying a bigger house…it will be worth it to stay home…..the next minute I am saying how I love my job, which I do, and that being a teacher is the best of both worlds….with summers off and a lot of vacation days…this is probably the HARDEST decision we will ever make…and I am worried I will regret it come next September. I am excited for this opportunity and thankful that I get to do this, but it will be an interesting transition to say the least….
I wish we lived closer sweet friend. You so eloquently said what I feel VERY often. Even though I have scaled back some after #2, I NEED work in my life? Is that wrong? I don’t think so. As someone told me on Twitter, martyrs do not make good mothers.
I love this post. Thanks for being so honest and real. I stay at home, but I love reading your blog because it’s so interesting to get a glimpse of what it’s like to be a working mom. I don’t have a lot of guilt, but I do have a lot of inner conflict over whether to work or not, because not working has very significant downsides. I think it’s a really hard situation for everyone and there’s no good answer.
You do seem to be doing such a great job though, juggling all your different roles with success (if not always ease). It’s inspirational!
I could have written this post myself! Thank you for sharing!!! I always feel guilt but then I feel like I wouldn’t be myself if I didn’t work.
You are an excellent mom! I love reading your posts about the fun you have with P. do not question or feel guilty that you don’t take those 10 minutes. You are giving her exactly what she needs! You are her mom and love her, which in turn is why she loves you! Kudos that you enjoy and can do both.
You amaze me, Kat! Just know that! for the women like you (and like my mom), I find it so incredible to be able to balance everything AND appreciate it without losing yourself completely. I have to be honest that it’s been so amazing watching you grow as a mom and a driven-career woman. You’re a reminder to me and lots of others that we can do it all even if it feels hard at times. I look forward to when I have kids and still get to love working
Aw Amanda! Thank you!!!
I totally agree with everything you have written in this post. As a working mother myself, I have my guilty moments. The fact that Will is in such good hands with his in-home day care and that he loves his little friends there makes me feel a lot better. I grew up with a working mom, and being a stay-at-home mom never even crossed my mind. I do have my moments looking through my blog reader and Instagram feeds where working moms are a minority. Not that I wouldn’t want to spend more time with Will (because we all know there are never enough hours in the day), but I just can’t imagine myself being a stay-at-home mom. Thanks for posting about this!!!
Love this post! The 3 day work week… That would be like winning the lottery. I’m a working mom and have the same struggles… Thank you for writing this! I recently went to a women’s conference and the speaker talked about “changing the language” of working moms and how we need to stop feeling guilty, and that we should be proud of working and make it part of the conversation we have with our kids. I thought it was a great perspective.
The grass is always greener, huh??? The funny thing is that most of our struggles are paralleled even though you work and I stay at home. We have made accommodations to our lifestyles to make it work. Instead of being happy with a quick meal, I feel like I should put on a huge production for my husband since I’m home all day. Then I crumble under the pressure and we end up eating eggs for dinner…again. When we head out the door, we are always screaming at the kids to hurry up, get their jacket on, etc. I think the struggles are similar. Our trade-off for being a one income family is that we always have super tight funds. We make it work somehow though. I know it is going to be difficult to put the new baby in daycare so I’ll be praying for you during that transition!!! And even though P calls the daycare workers “mom” – it is an age thing! Believe me she KNOWS who puts her first and recognizes that you are her mom. The title is something she is too young to comprehend. Don’t beat yourself up over little things. You are an amazing mother!!! (Man that mommy guilt can really trip us up huh?!)
Thank you so much for linking up at my blog! I love reading about other blogging working moms and understand so much of what you say. It is so so so so hard leaving your baby with anyone, and trusting that they can love him/her even half as much as you do. All I know is that God provides, and we need to trust in the bigger picture
Ditto, ditto, ditto and ditto some more. And well said. Being a working mother isn’t easy and we all just do the best we can with where we’re at.