I realized that I had postpartum anxiety when I was 8 weeks pregnant with baby #2, about a year and half after dealing with it, or rather, denying it to myself. It wasn’t until I stopped feeling that every single person in the world was out to get my baby and that every object in our house would cause death that I was finally able to admit to myself that I had an issue. Postpartum anxiety, postpartum depression’s secret cousin, isn’t as widely discussed but just feels just as destructive and real.
When our first baby girl (lovingly nicknamed Peanut) was born, I was elated. Thinking back to that first night in the hospital, when many moms handed their newborns to the nurses so they could get a couple hours of sleep, I should have recognized the first sign – I couldn’t imagine having my little girl out of my sight. In fact, that night, when my husband and baby slept soundly, I stared at her, checking to make sure she was breathing every couple of minutes. The next year and a half at home continued in a similar manner – if I wasn’t stressing over SIDS (which I was, through the year and half mark even though the odds were low and there was little I could do), I was constantly checking for breathing, listening and watching our baby monitor for the movement of her chest. Every new milestone in Peanut’s life brought new anxieties. I never moved on from SIDS, but I added worrying about head trauma as she learned to sit up, food allergies as she took her first solids, chocking as she learned how to feed herself, and every accident imaginable as she took her first steps. I rarely slept at night, thinking about burglars that were out to harm my baby, outlets that weren’t properly protected, and our newly-installed house alarm (this was my husband’s attempt to calm my nerves) malfunctioning. When I was home alone with our baby, things went from bad to worse as I rehearsed an escape route and a speech in my head in case someone was to break in.
I’m not here to tell you guys how to deal with postpartum anxiety, since I obviously didn’t Instead, I wanted to share with you my experience in hopes that someone reading will recognize the signs and seek out help.
I remember leaving the hospital after the first couple of days, the feeling of complete helplessness overwhelming my every being as I walked out the doors and away from the many nurses that constantly poked and prodded Peanut to make sure she was doing well. Like many others, I received a lecture and a checklist of items to look out for to recognize postpartum depression. And like many others, I smiled and said that just wasn’t me.
The first couple of weeks are hard to even remember – there was a lot of crying (normal), a lot of feeling overwhelmed (also normal to many extents), and a lot of questioning in my abilities to keep the baby alive (I have no idea how normal that is, but I’m guessing I’m not alone in this one). Each day blurred into the next but somehow we were all surviving. I knew that the first couple of months were hard to get through so we just kept on moving. Around this time I started getting completely paranoid about someone breaking in to our house, SIDS, and every other small event I heard about. Some were legitimate, like her uneven breathing, while others were a bit far fetched like a hair getting stuck in a sock, cutting off her circulation and leading to her death. Somewhere in the back of my head I knew that things will happen and I just needed to do my best as a mother but I couldn’t freak out over them. But drawing the line became impossible – if I didn’t check her toes and socks twice before putting her down and then check them again 20 minutes later, was I a good mother?
As Peanut grew and developed new skills, I develop new fears. When she learned to sit up, I held my breath and cried every time she fell and hit her head. I never put her down anywhere without at least 4 pillows to catch her fall and cursed myself out when she leaned forward and hit her nose on the one small patch of carpeted floor. When P started to pull items to her mouth, I started constantly disinfecting them and checking them for any loose parts. The idea of leaving her unattended for even a split second brought my anxiety to a level I can’t even begin to describe to you. With crawling I worried about every hard surface in the house. When Peanut started walking, I covered every inch of tile with an area rug and never let go of her hand when we were outside on hard pavement. Family walks turned into anxiety attacks as I struggled to breathe when my husband let our toddler take steps on her own.
And then there were the constant thoughts consuming me. There was rarely a moment when I wasn’t thinking up of some new things that could hurt my little one and the horrible gripping feeling of losing her had me hyperventilating almost daily. I rarely slept but that didn’t prevent the nightmares that haunted me every time I even blinked. While many moms watched their kids make mistakes that taught them to be stronger and wiser, I worried that letting her do anything on her own would lead to her destruction.
Many of you reading this probably see it as what it was – anxiety. But I couldn’t figure out if it was anxiety or just the kind of parent that I was. What if I was a helicopter mom? What if I was a worrier? What if this was just my Type A personality?
I guess the biggest difference I can point out to you is my reaction, or rather overreaction, to every situation versus a normal reaction. Accidents didn’t cause a scar or a bump in my mind, they caused death. Checking on the safety of something or Peanut wasn’t good enough, I needed to check it again and again and consider every single possibility of what could go wrong. With me, I was unable to draw the line and say, I did the best I could do and move on.
And then one day, around the 8 week mark of my pregnancy with baby #2 it all became clear. I’m not sure if it happened overnight, but it really felt like it did. I woke up and I could breath. Peanut cried and I asked her what was wrong instead of letting my mind wonder into deep, dark places. When Peanut fell, I asked her if she was ok and moved on. I let her wonder into her room without following her. I started sleeping at night.
It was in that moment that I actually started to enjoy life and enjoy being a parent.
Thank you Kat, you are so brave!!
~ Jess
I can’t begin to imagine how rough that has been, but I’m glad you’ve come to a better place!
I feel like you just described my life/feelings. I had no idea what was going on with me. Everyone chalked it up to baby blues, or post partum depression. I got some kind of little anti-depressant pill from my OB, but it didn’t really help with the anxiety and thoughts that consumed me. I never really felt depressed and couldn’t really put my finger on what was wrong with me. Then one day, sort of like you just described, I woke up and started thinking/feeling differently. I was more relaxed and enjoyed parenting so much more. I am thankful that happened, but WHY did I never know there was such a thing as post-partum anxiety?!?! This would have been SO helpful to know ages ago. Some days I still feel like I fight it a little bit, but it’s so much better than it was before. I don’t know if that is just my type-A/ worry wart self or if I really should talk to my doctor about it.
I’m so glad you posted this. When Nate was an infant, I would get panic attacks when the sun would start to set because nighttime was so exhausting and I dreaded it every day. It took a few months for that to pass. I think I had the SIDS sleep monitor under his mattress until we moved him to a bed (when he was 22 mths) and, even now, if he sleeps through the night and isn’t awake before me in the morning, I rush to his room because I fear something happened, he stopped breathing, etc. So I understand part of where you’re coming from and I do wish there was more talk about PPA.
I’m really glad that you feel like it’s starting to pass and I hope you continue to feel stronger and more and more relaxed as time passes.
Thanks for writing this! I, too, get very anxious about things happening to my kids. Maybe not to the extent that you described but definitely more than the average person, I think. I am ALWAYS thinking of all the horrible things that could go wrong or could happen to my kids (or me, for that matter). It’s no way to live. It’s definitely been, and still is sometimes, a battle to just be happy and content and not stress too much. Motherhood is exhausting!
I am 110% with you. I am type A too and have just passed it off to that at times, but I know I am struggling with fear and anxeity. With Anne Margaret, I had PPD. I never took the pills for it though because I freaked out about would it get to her her since I was breastfeeding….meanwhile I was just crazy and it was the hardest, darkest part of my life and I dont feel like I really enjoyed the first few months/year with my baby girl. She was perfect and precious, but deep down, I was struggling. With Baby Bro (or Brother Bear as we call him!) it has been different. I have not had ANY PPD {thank the Lord – I was so scared} and have connected with him instantly. I never understood when people said that they couldnt remember a time without their baby – but this time I felt that. Instead of the PPD this time, I have had super anxeity about break ins and something happening. I cant seem to shake fear but I just keep praying and trusting. I honestly have been up a lot at night about it and the other day in a moment of anxeity, I went and bought a bunch of mace and put it all over the house in random {high} places. Ha! I think the whole gun debate and all on the news doesnt help and when I get thinking about fear, I cant let it go. I just have to pray and trust. I do know though that PPD is not something to be ashamed of and if I start having that again, this time, I will NOT hesitate to call my OB. Thanks for this post!
oh wow Kat – I had no idea you were struggling with all that anxiety. But so happy to hear that you are through it. This never happened to me – only a couple of crying fits (maybe 2 per kid???). Please do be careful after this little one’s birth that you take care of yourself. I hope and pray you are able to enjoy the first year rather than live in so much fear. That is just so stressful!! SO many women can benefit from this story as many other moms experience what you did – it’s not so much depression, but it is still paralyzing fear. You deserve to be peaceful!!!!
Wow, Kat – I never would have guessed. Thanks so much for sharing. I’ve never heard of post partum anxiety, so as a non-mom it’s definitely good to know before my time comes. So glad you are in a better place now!
Ohhh my sister-in-law has/had this. I’m not sure if she still does, but I know that the first few months were brutal for her. I’m so sorry you had/have to deal with this. I think it might be a good idea to see a counselor a few times to get some tools to cope with it (and there ain’t no shame in therapy!). The hormones from this pregnancy might make it rear its ugly head. You’re brave for admitting it!
I never knew something like this existed. Do you just have to ride it out?
I struggled too… for a long time. it got worse when I went back to work and it probably didn’t really fade away until Andrew made a year old! You are not alone. People don’t realize that PPA is just as common (if not moreso) as PPD and it is real!
That was very brave to put that out there. Having followed your blog for the last two years, I never would have guessed at all. So many of your fears I understand, particularly as a parent of a preemie. When we brought him home from the hospital, we were ingrained with an extra level of fear of SIDS, car seat safetey and things like that. And as overprotective as that caused us to be, somehow we escaped that level of anxiety. I’m sorry that this must have taken away a lot of joy or the last 2 years for you. I am so glad it has gotten better and now you will recognize the signs if it happens again with baby #2.
Kat, I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Thank you for putting this out there. You are so brave. I hope things go better with this little nugget!
First of all, thank you for sharing such a personal part of yourself. I know how hard and scary it is to put something like this out there. I have suffered through depression and anxiety starting in my late teens and into my 20s. It stopped for a while but came back ten fold after Porter was born. Depression and Anxiety are like BFFs in my life–where there is one, there is the other. They are inseparable. I had a lot of similar symptoms to yours. Everyone says “sleep when the baby sleeps”–but I just couldn’t. In the hospital I was awake just staring at him afraid to let him out of my sight. At home, I would lie awake wondering if I was enough, if he loved me, if I was doing all I could, was I a “good” mom? I could barely leave my house and go out on my own with Porter. What if he cried at the store? What would I do? Would other people judge me? All of the “what ifs” were constantly eating away at me. Luckily over time, I got on some medication (I stayed on it for a year after my diagnosis) and overall just became more confident as a mother. I do worry that all of this may come back when my next baby comes along, but I find comfort in knowing that there is help. If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to contact me. Do you participate in #ppdchat on Twitter? It’s a great resource to connect with other moms with PPD, PPA, PPOCD. Even if you are just having an anxious day you can send out a tweet saying “Oh god, I’m SO anxious today and don’t know how to handle it. #ppdchat” and shortly thereafter another mom will be there will words of encouragement. I’ve done just that on bad days and someone is always there with a kind word. You definitely are not alone. You are a great mom and you deserve to live a life free of anxiety and needless worry!
I just saw this (i was referring back to this post because I had a conversation with some of the fellow NOLA moms bloggers last night about PPA) and I had no idea this existed! thanks for sharing!!
Excellent post! So proud of you for writing this! And scary thing…that hair in a sock thing actually happened to Lincoln! Pretty freaking scary!!!! I find my mind wanders a bit too much sometimes. I think becoming a mother is such a life changing event, that it consumes you, and all your thoughts. For me personally, I think some of it was a bit of post partum anxiety, while the rest was just me being me, lol. I’m happy you seem to be at a happy place now
Well said Kat! I’m so glad you decided to post it. I’m glad you have found peace and are now enjoying instead of worrying. You go girl!!
Great post Kat! I’m sorry you had to go through it, but glad you shared. . … And so glad your feeling better!
Kat, It was very brave of you to share this so openly. Anxiety is an incredibly debilitating condition. I have no experience with post-partum anxiety, however, but it sounds dreadful. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for you, especially trying to manage a full time job, family, and home. I am so glad the feeling has lifted. Thank You for your incredible openness.
Woah. This hit home for me. I never had even a smidge of postpartum depression, so I figured I was in the clear…but oh god, I thought (/think) the world was out to get Gem. Everyone, and everything was going to hurt her, and instead of an owie, a fall meant the ER or death. It’s been a stressful 2 years.
I didn’t even know this was a thing!!
I will be doing some more research into this. Thank you so much for this post, Kat
Great post… I tend to suffer, mostly silently from anxiety in general, and I had no idea about post partum anxiety. I definitely suffered this! I would lay awake for hours just listening to the babies breath and the nights they actually slept through I would run into their rooms sporadically to check for signs of breathing. Thanks for posting such an honest, reflective post.
I just found your blog through a comment on facebook and when I saw this title I HAD to read it. I always assumed I had post-partum depression because well…what ELSE could it be? However, the stuff you just described was my life for the first 18 months of my son’s life. My biggest fear was SIDS, number two on the list (especially in the first 6 months) was my every.single.evening FREAKOUT about what the night was going to be like. It’s a truly horrible thing to go through and I denied it for a long time. And when I TRIED to talk about it, noone understood – I just got that blank stare. But like you said, it was like I woke up one morning and it was gone – that happened around the time my little one turned 18 months. I’m not pregnant with #2 yet, but I’m terrified of reliving those 18 months. Absolutely terrified. However, now that I know this is a real thing – maybe it will help me deal with it and learn more about it in preparation for when baby #2 comes along! Thank you for posting!
I don’t know, from your blog, it doesn’t seem like you have anxiety over your daughter. You are the same person who left her all alone to cry for 2 hours at only 4 months, and currently let her fall off the bed onto the floor at 2 years old. You should have some care for her and as a mom want her to be comfortable. She has the rest of her life to learn to stay on her bed, what’s the rush? Why not get a rail ? To me, anxious moms actually overly care about their kids, you don’t seem that way. Sorry.
Sarah, you’re entitled to your opinion but I feel like it’s only fair to clarify a couple of points. This blog is what I choose to post to it so although you se snippets of my life here and there, it’s not the whole thing and until recently it wasn’t about my emotions or what I’m going through. At 4.5 months we did do Ferber sleep training, but we did NOT let her cry for 2 hours straight. We walked in every 3 minutes and it was the hardest 2 nights you can imagine where I cried along with her but as a result we’ve had an amazing sleeper (happy baby and happy parents) for 2 years. I found relief from the anxiety upon my second pregnancy and have been myself again for last 4 or so months. As for her bed – her mattress is barely 1 foot off the ground, the carpet is 1 inch thick and a 1 inch thick pad underneath. We have her changing table pad and a blanket on the ground so when she ‘falls” it’s less than half a foot and onto a soft surface. I did put a blanket under the sheet today to help her sleep through the night without falling.
We love our little girl very much and care about her endlessly.
HI Kat. This post caught my attention (I recently commented on your birth story). I went through postpartum depression with my daughter. I didn’t think I would have another baby, but once I was feeling better I decided I wanted another child. I got pregnant with my son. 11 weeks into the pregnancy the feelings were coming back. I was going through prenatal depression. Postpartum effects many women in many different ways. It is so important to share these stories and experiences. I used to be ashamed to admit what I went through, but have gotten over that. I know that it is important to let others know that postpartum depression is a real and scary thing, and it does happen to people. Glad I saw this. How all goes well with your second baby and the anxiety.
I think just being a mom, we automatically become fearful. It’s just in us. I’ve been terrified since Emma was born that she would stop breathing in her sleep, someone would break in, etc. You are definitely not alone girl. Just glad your feeling better and it’s not as strong now. Your a great mother and will be just as great with two sweet baby girls!
Also, try not to let people ^ get to you. Nobody has the right to judge your parenting. Keep your chin up